The Hilarious Ways My Morning Differs from Martha Stewart’s

First of all, let me proclaim: I love Martha Stewart, and I have my whole adult life. I adore her cookbooks (her recipes are genius and mostly simple), I love her magazine, and I am on board for her social media. Except for this morning. This morning something popped up in my mailbox that proclaimed “Eight things Martha Stewart does each morning before 10 am.”

I imagined all sorts of “Martha” things like “Makes bed, collects eggs from her hens, works out, etc.” but her list ended up making me feel like a lazy bum. But really, who gets up at 4:30 or 5am? Well, Martha does; every morning she gets a wakeup call. Then she checks that her blog is up, and scans the NY Times. She rises, makes her bed, and then takes care of her pets. Then she heads out to meet her personal trainer for yoga or other workouts. It’s all pretty great and admirable. After her workout, she eats a light breakfast of yogurt or fruit and is ready to start her work day.

I began to imagine what my “Eight things” list would look like. It’s pretty funny actually:

1. Get up about 6 or 7 am to pee.
2. I take my Synthroid pill, feed the dog so he doesn’t bug us later, and then go back to sleep.
3. The alarm goes off at 8 am, and most mornings I hit the Snooze button for 10 more minutes of…